Eskimos:Snow :: Germans:…. ?

If you are willing to accept the urban legend that Eskimos have hundreds of words for snow, then the German equivalent must be milk products. In fact, not only do the Germans make very fine distinctions between different types of milk products by having separate words for them, you can actually buy the different categories at grocery stores or supermarkets.

I caught the first whiff of this mystifying practice soon after moving here, when I spotted a tub of a certain substance called Quark at a supermarket. It looked like something one would eat (as opposed to put in their hair), and the omnivore in me got curious. I got one, came to my apartment, and went straight for the dictionary! That’s when I knew something was wrong. The dictionary translated Quark as “curd”, which, let me tell you, is a total lie. Well, maybe a half truth. There is really nothing in the English language that can adequately explain what Quark is.

But that was just the beginning – I was soon to discover myself cruising the aisles and witness cream manifest itself to me in the multiple avatars of Sahne (regular creme), Schlagsahne (whipping cream), Kaffeesahne (half-n-half in USA), Sauer Sahne (sour cream), Crème Fraîche, Schmand, and Crème Double. If you can translate Schmand, I will buy you a year’s supply of it! In US I choose between salted and unsalted butter. Here, on the other hand, trying to buy butter I was faced with the choice of Süßrahmbutter, Sauerrahmbutter, and Molkenbutter – and all of them unsalted. For some strange reason salted butter is considered exotic in Germany, is hard to find, and costs you a pretty penny!

I was spending my days suspended in this state of confusion, when one day I demanded an explanation from my roomie. Not willing to take up the gauntlet, he hid behind the usual refrain of not knowing the right English words. But he had an obviously ingenious idea – to look it up on Wikipedia! Now, who would have thought of that? Anyone except me, I guess. So I was finally enlightened, and I want to share the revelation with you all. The following flowchart explains how all the milk products are obtained. Take a look, it’s educational.

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